Help Christopher Walken Hire A New Personal Assistant By Voting For The Girl Whose Breasts You Find Most Impressive (Round 1)

[click here for the huge uncensored resume]

Special thanks to the 1179 topless women who applied for the position. To vote for the hottie you think would most please me, just e-mail my manager with the name of the girl in the subject line. You can also e-mail him if you want the contact information and high resolution topless photos of all 1179 applicants, however you should know than 831 of the classy ladies who applied were extremely nasty. Thanks again. Like with the presidential election, if you put in the effort you can vote as many times as you’d like.

(Privacy Policy: As always, your e-mail address and sexual preferences will be collected and sold to a Swedish gay porn conglomerate for huge sacks of cash.)

Christopher Walken Now Hiring Personal Assistants (Huge Boobs Required)

Impressively breasted college girls may apply for any position by e-mailing your resume and topless photos to my manager.

Scientists: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Ass Increasing At Alarming Rate (Includes Chart)

[click her fat ass to download full size chart]

I was looking at this chart, while stroking my nuts (as cashews relax me), when I realized, my mighty schlong had shriveled by three and a half international units. I believe the time is long past, where we can stare at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs, and forgive the rest. Will someone please put her on the “No One Loves A Fatty - Badass Diet.”

Lindsay Lohan Tells People “Hey, I’m Gay Too!”

Now, while I have never had lesbian sex, I have seen it in person, and I have to say, it's underrated. To learn more about girl-on-girl fornication, go to: HotNakedBattleLesbians.org

Rumor: Sarah Palin To Bring Massive Cleavage To Vice-Presidential Debate (Updated: Palin Pledges To “Slap Joe Biden Around With Her Breasts”)

I got this smokin’-hot Sarah Palin flyer from Robert Duvall at a secret fundraiser for Hollywood Republicans. Turns out it’s been digitally distributed to over thirty-five million “fiscal conservatives who appreciate boobies.” While I’m sure I’ll stare at Sarah Palin’s breasts during the debate, I doubt I will find the experience masturbation-worthy. But it might get me worked up enough to pop in my bootleg Blu-ray of “Sarah Palin: Hot Enough For Porn.”

Christopher Walken’s Secret Recipe For Butt-Soft Tortillas - Great For Wooing Those Sexy Latinas (Includes Free Photograph Of Salma Hayek’s Breasts!)

[Click Salma’s Left Breast For Full Size Downloadable Recipe Card!]

Friends, three months ago I, Christopher Walken, began to wonder, and rightfully so, if Salma Hayek would ever make herself available to me, sexually. I mean, no girl in her right mind, can wear a shirt like that, and not expect Christopher Walken to imagine the breast-sex. That’s why I was forced invent my Oh-Baby! Butt-Soft Tortillas. You throw some spicy black beans in that crack, some salsa, and snap! You have a recipe, based on ancient Aztec breakfast technology, that no hot women could possibly resist. And today, Christopher Walken is pleased, to share his hottie-trembling, nutritional breakthrough with you, loyal blog readers. So why not fire up some pluck, make some tortillas as soft as my butt, invite over some sexy Latinas, and just fornicate your brains out. Cheers!

Christina Hendricks Of Firefly Fame Wins Mad Men Emmy For “Best Breasts In A Supporting Role”

Rumor has it, she also won, recently, one of the key roles in “Hot Naked Battle Lesbians.”

Study: One-Legged Women 50% Hotter In Bed

New Federal Survey Documents U.S. Sex Behavior and Illegal Drug Use Of One-Legged Women

The question often prompts a boastful answer or a bashful blink: How many fornication partners have you enjoyed today? Now a thirty billion dollar federal government research team claims it has the ultimate statistics related to the sexual habits of one-legged women, who were split into the categories of hot and not.

The documentation proves that hot one-legged women are far more likely to give mind-blowing oral sex than not-hot women, regardless of their number of legs. The new nationwide survey used sixty-nine “advanced-technology” methods to solicit candid answers on sexual activity and illegal drug use of one-legged women (including tricks).

The scientists claim they can now illustrate, using laminated pie charts, that 37 percent of American men report having 11 or more dangerously-powerful orgasms with one-legged female sexual partners in their lifetime, while a whopping 59 percent of lesbian research assistants report that due to the Law of Overcompensation one-legged women almost always have both bigger breasts and more acrobatic tongues.

To meet hot one-legged women in your area check out: singlehotsingles.org

Christopher Walken Boycotts Nintendo Wii, Until Storage Pandemic Is Resolved

Christopher Walken, rarely, blogs about himself, in the third person, on his own blog, rarely. But Nintendo has inflamed Christopher Walken’s rage, which would bring out the third person in anyone. Christopher Walken just beat Wii Boxing, and was fully committed to purchasing 200-300 VD games, with the money he just got paid for his 2009 German Expressionism black-and-white rutabaga epic. But lo and behold, Christopher Walken’s refrigerator is full, with channels Christopher Walken will never use. But Christopher Walken, good sir, will not delete and destroy and desecrate the digital downloads he already owns, just because Reggie Fils-Aime has small balls. That’s right, Ass-not-kicking, name-not-taking, thug. Christopher Walken challenges you to stand in front of a mirror, naked, with your small ball sack flopping in the breeze. Now use that big mitt of yours to spank your small balls together. Knock them into each other. Until they grow, three damn sizes. Until the clang they make, when you bang them together, is louder than God’s own thunder. Christopher Walken is Fricking Christopher Fricking Walken, and Wii Boxing sucked, and your Teeney Wiiney is broken. Reggie Fils-Aime, ball up. Or Christopher Walken is going to stop buying casual crap for his grandmother.

Kim Jong Il Recites Erotic Haiku For Anne Hathaway

Via northkorealovesannehathaway.org

10 Things Most In Need Of Shellacking

10. The rainforest, because then it would be protected forever!

9. A bowl of fruit, because that way you don’t have to buy plastic fruit to leave out on the table, which looks too fake to persuade hot women that if they spend the night there will at least be fruit for breakfast!

8. Handle bar tape, because cyclists are addicted to shiny!

7. Enteric-coated cocaine capsules, because the smoothness makes swallowing easy and fun!

6. Dental plates, because old people love having their removable body parts glossy so that they match the plastic on the couch!

5. A short, swollen-bellied, African child, because it would lock in the body odor so they didn’t have to waste their whole day doing nothing but swatting flies, and because they could be shellacked for just twenty-three cents per day!

4. Keeley Hazell's breasts, because then they would look nineteen forever!

3. The hopes and dreams of all Iraqis, because that would make a nice souvenir to remember them by, after they’re gone!

2. A cute baby bunny, because if you give your children a dead pet you never have to worry about what to do when they kill it!

1. Bob Newhart’s left nut, because then he would be forced to do a two-hour comedy special about how somebody shellacked his left nut, and that would be frakking sweet!

John McCain Asks “Is Racism Bad, Or Sometimes Good?”

Via isellmyassforvotes.org

[Only read this post if you are my grandma, on my mother’s side]

And I will respond to John McCain with that famous quote: As Shakespeare said, racism (or reverse racism), like incest, bestiality, and hairy lesbianism, is neither good nor bad, unless you think it so. So if you want, because you admire political correctness, to believe, in your sensitive little soul, that all racists are ignorant clucking barntards, that’s your brain-given right. Grandma P, if you want Johnny Boy to beat Obama’s half-black buttocks, because you fear his smooth, milk chocolaty charisma, then I have only this to say to you: You’re eighty-five, with massive thighs, and you still shave your sagging genitalia, so if McCain wins our state, by your one racist vote, I’m going to do what I’ve always threatened, and convert all your pets to Hindu.

Obama On Obama: Gay Porn For Half-Black Men

Via realmengoblue.org

The latest polls show that 79% of young voters believe that Obama pleasures himself 3-5 times per week, and 73% believe he’s earned it. I figure, since not everyone gets hard for slightly obese, middle-aged women (read: John McCain) the market provides an alternative, like when 300 came, then Hot Naked Battle Lesbians came harder. Personally I find all pornography disgusting and offensive, except for the classy kind, that I watch while rewarding my young female fans with free facials, which I learned from either Bill Clinton or Stephen Colbert. But, the real question, that Big Media has yet to cover, is... Are Sarah Palin’s daughter’s breasts that big because she’s pregnant, or because she’s fat? Because, after that Chelsea Clinton unpleasantness, I now decide who to vote for based on the physical appearance of the future first daughters.

Sarah Palin: Hot Enough For Porn?

John McCain's VP, Sarah Palin, an almost Miss Baked Alaska, is thought by some to be entirely fornicate-able. Others want her to lose ten pounds before entering office. Personally, I just want to sit in my Walken Room and stare at her gently bouncing breasts...

Megan Fox Nude Scene In “Jennifer’s Body” Cut Due To “Chicken Legs”

I love Megan Fox, but let’s be honest. No one wants, to see her naked. It would kill, box office. She lost weight, and got the chicken legs. They had to re-shoot, with a, thigh double. It’s like Marlon Brando, in the Island of Dr. Moreau, all over again.

Yes, My Grandma Knit Me A Penis Cozy

Just before she died. I tried it on, for her, but only because, at the time, I stood to inherit several hundred dollars.

Lindsay Lohan Sentenced To Community Service (Again) To Manually Masturbate Macaque Monkeys For “Non Research Purposes”

The last time, I saw Lindsay, she attempted to apologize, to me. About how, she used to be hot. But ever since, her recent naughtiness... Drinking and drugging... Bingeing and purging... Endless nights, of rampant lesbianism... She realized, something. That both of her nipples, had shifted, three-eights of an inch, to the left. But when she took off her shirt, it was true.

David Mamet Arrested For Writing While Intoxicated

I was there, when they searched, his rectum. Which they do, to all Jews, who use complicated, grammar. Then came, the light spanking. Because he’s Hollywood too. His children, were watching. So I had to explain, to them, that here, in America, one is only allowed, to write at the tenth grade reading level. Or you face, anal misconduct.

I Still Get Flashbacks

Late one night, in my Walken Room, I was touching my nuts. As cashews relax me. When I smelled it. And I clenched. And that’s when it happened. Britney Spears raped me. Anally. With her pinky finger. I was powerless. I wept. Like a crack baby. And I don’t know why. But when it was over, I thanked her.