10. The rainforest, because then it would be protected forever!
9. A bowl of fruit, because that way you don’t have to buy plastic fruit to leave out on the table, which looks too fake to persuade hot women that if they spend the night there will at least be fruit for breakfast!
8. Handle bar tape, because cyclists are addicted to shiny!
7. Enteric-coated cocaine capsules, because the smoothness makes swallowing easy and fun!
6. Dental plates, because old people love having their removable body parts glossy so that they match the plastic on the couch!
5. A short, swollen-bellied, African child, because it would lock in the body odor so they didn’t have to waste their whole day doing nothing but swatting flies, and because they could be shellacked for just twenty-three cents per day!
4. Keeley Hazell's breasts, because then they would look nineteen forever!
3. The hopes and dreams of all Iraqis, because that would make a nice souvenir to remember them by, after they’re gone!
2. A cute baby bunny, because if you give your children a dead pet you never have to worry about what to do when they kill it!
1. Bob Newhart’s left nut, because then he would be forced to do a two-hour comedy special about how somebody shellacked his left nut, and that would be frakking sweet!
